July 2009
6 posts
@alyankovic
At the Funny Or Die offices right now. Apparently they make humorous snuff films here.
@Alejandrobot
All right, ladies, I’m done. I’ve had it. From now on I’m gay.
@jt
Did Berry Gordy just say “exspecially” ?
@thesoup
Should Kendra wear undies for a night in Sin City? If so, why?
@PeterSHall
“For the first time, a Palin actually decides to pull out early.” Perfect shouldabeen headline.
@someecards
Pelee Island ice wine sounds like frozen piss pops. So you understand, Americans drink their pee at room temperature.
@jonathanfields
Just brushed with Arm & Hammer White Advance. OMG, would rather gargle Preparation H! Um…yuck!
June 2009
29 posts
@leeodden
@davefleet it’s the flight attendants that said to sit wherever there ate open seats
@_andrew_g
Pelham 123 also should have been called “Lots of nauseating L-R dolly shots of Denzel where you can see the Kinos in his glasses”
@BunnyBridget
Just finished Kendra’s rehearsal dinner at Dave n’ Busters listening to MJ all the way home
@nakedjoker
Is it only in Britain that banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters???
@sarahschneider
Is it just me, or is everybody in New York pregnant?
@JackKempers
How can Jon & Kate be a trending topic - I’m nauseas from hearing about them.
@robhuebel
Wiped out hard on mtn bike. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have bled. But my skin had other ideas. Pussy skin.
@james_gunn
Getting complaints that I’m tweeting more about Iran than pooping, masturbation, & porn. Can’t I love those things & care about the world?!
@rustyrockets
Went to Disneyland today. Space Mountain did not recreate the experience of mountaineering or space travel. And Pinocchio pinched my arse.
@richardquest
I will make sure you fit into the overhead compartment…..
@jodywatley
it’s always a fine line of being honest and staying positive because honesty sometimes requires negative information - i try to balance it.
@caseorganic
Air sex -like air guitar - but with sex -air sex world finals (video: http://bit.ly/VCebG) in Portland ( http://bit.ly/6lZXa official site)
@nostrich
Since when was a fictional time lord qualified to declare a pandemic?
@OfficialVernonK
Just finished the prize shoot….Finished with a wet suit.God it was so bloody hot and sweaty……Back to the basted chicken legs!!
@calvinharris
Has anybody seen my “trance trousers”?
@djplastician
Licked on my night off
@yelyahwilliams
Pics of my family, friends, cm punk, a drawing of a cats butt and a love note from max morse all taped to the ceiling of my bunk. G’night!
@ThisisDavina
right, going to sort out sproglets see y’all later!
@StephenAtHome
note to army: might get more enlistees if you change name to “leggy.” no one’s an arm-man
@Bail88ge
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
@martinxo
At work, colleague next too me is eating full English breakfast….not sure if this is annoying or not.
@sacca
One of my life goals is to have a haircut named after me in the Supercuts Style Guide. Quite possibly the pinnacle of mediocrity.
@charltonbrooker
@FM_Doll Because I was slightly dismayed at the death of someone I thought was rather good? If that makes me a cunt, a massive cunt I be.
@caseorganic
Proofreading. This is a boring tweet.
@jt
Enjoying the friendly banter this morning, one guy is claiming Starbucks has good breakfast sandwiches, the other McDonald’s… no names. :)
@charltonbrooker
@mccandelish By ‘in my box’, do you mean your arse? If not, http://bit.ly/11jaCi or http://bit.ly/hdE4o or grill it (with olive oil on).
@SHHHE
12:20 Sydney time. Dodo for me and kisses to the ‘slice’ of planet just waking up :)
@jw
My touchscreen needs a kitty-bath.
May 2009
31 posts
@krystyl
Love the guy from @boingo If he lived in SF, id invite him to yoga #twtrcon
@tomaswk
Was hit by dirty baby diapers. Are there hypercolor diapers? When there’s pee/poo on the inside u get warned on the outside?
@dexin
#spymaster is very annoying.
@CarolinaTennant
I need an anti-bitch pill today…want to punch this blonde two parking space taking bia in the teeth. http://tinyurl.com/ofbbqy
@ConchRaider
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
@SheriTingle
Looking like a wild child today ~ time to get myself under control! : )
@rustyrockets
And Now I will tweet on all trending topics - 1. 3 drunk words “Not my anus.”
@khopper
Someone needs to invent fertilizer soap so that I can park my car on the lawn and wash it there.
@newhat
Mother Soon To Be Thrilled As Birthday Picnic Basket Gets Debut. Silly Man Tired From Disco Excursion. Also, Freddie Star Eat My Hamster
@allaboutgeorge
Gas, break, dip, dip (at Bay Bridge)
@PRjobs
Dear baby inside: I don’t know if these karate chops mean you love me or hate me? I do know you are already as feisty as your mother.
@gwenbell
Watching two 10-year-olds add spoonfuls of sugar to their mochas. And it’s FREAKING ME OUT.
@kbairdmurray
ok, so what’s with the rain today? And every day? my home feels like an ark…
@bs
“Yeah, I like it on top too … I make it easy for everyone.” — @zhanna
@Adam_Zilberbaum
Nothing like a hard swim to make you feel more relaxed! ;-)